Monday, July 19, 2010

The Wedding Invitation


Got a call from the BF. We just received a wedding invitation. “There’s a note attached…” he stammers. This is not the first to have ‘a note.’

“Read it.”

“Robert, I hope you and [The Boyfriend] can make it. You MUST promise that you are NOT going to try to sleep with any of the wedding party at the wedding this time. Including me, [the groom] and my brother. I’m serious! If you can’t make the promise, you can’t come. Love, Claire”.

“Is she for real?” Unfortunately, yes. I immediately text Claire:

Me: Got the invite. Got your msg. Thanks.
Claire: Holding you to it.
Me: K. How cute is the priest?
Claire: Srsly?
Me: ;-)
Claire: Just of Peace. 60’s.
Me: Oh. Then no promise on your bro.
Claire: Ass! He just got out of a bad one.

[15 minutes later]
Claire: PLZ DON’T MESS THIS WEDDING UP TOO.
Me: Too?
Claire: You know what I mean.
Me: please…
Claire: Srsly. I want this to work. Dont jinx it!
Me: I believe YOU were the one who sucked MY dick [her first wedding]
Claire: I was drunk
Me: Not that drunk.
Claire: You had your dick out
Me: I was taking a piss!
Claire: And you made a compelling point.
Me: All I said was ‘you’re never going to suck any other dick beside Ed’s for the next 50 years.’
Claire: Exactly.
Me: Can I come to the bachelorette party?
Claire: NO! You fucked my maid of honor!
Me: And you.
Claire: Fuck you.
Me: That’s what she said.
Claire: Ass.
Me: Been there, too.
Me: Can I come to the bachelor party?
Claire: Jerk.
Claire: Even worse idea.

[30 minutes later]
Claire: Srsly. I don’t want any drama at this wedding.
Me: Okay. Out of curiosity, who’s in the wedding party?
Claire: No.
Me: Just seeing if I’ve had sex with them before.
Claire: You have. Trust.
Me: If I’ve had them before, I won’t want them again.
Claire: Sha!
Me: True…

[Hour later]
Me: So I can fuck [groom] before the wedding date, right?
Claire: You ruined enough of my marriages
Me: Only two.
Claire: Only been married twice
Me: Srsly?
Claire: Didn’t count. Family secret!
Me: Tramp ;-)
Claire: HUSH!
Me: [BF] will keep me in line. K?
Claire: Thanks!

[Five minutes later]
Me: So, you’re sure [groom]’s the one, right? Sex is THE BEST EVER?
Claire: Fucker!
Me: I got your back…
Claire: Thers than just sex.
Me: But if the sex sucks…
Claire: Got a meeting
Me: K. Love you. I’ll be good.
Claire: liar!

[45 minutes later and more than enough time to think about what I’ve said.]
Claire: Hey, want to get drinks tonight?

I know where this is going and it doesn’t look good for marriage number four.

11 comments:

Ray's Cowboy said...

Can I go to this wedding? Seems more sex are at weddings than any where else. Please my I go?
Ray

Michael Rivers said...

Can I come to the wedding too?

Stan said...

I hate weddings gay or straight. What a bunch of bullshit.

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious. I want you invited to my wedding :)

Anonymous said...

that is hysterical! now find a way to rent yourself out to dull society weddings for a per diem plus cake and bar privileges.

BosGuy said...

Sounds like you have far more fun at weddings than I do. I have a destination wedding in P.R. this December. Hmm....

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You are my hero... I just started snorting out loud from laughing so hard... it's exactly what I needed... So wrong, but sooooo right... LOL LOL LOL

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